[ ... oh COME ON. Wei Wuxian groans as he reads this message and closes his eyes for a moment. Alright, this is... expected. He did pick truth after all! And he does want to honor the game. This isn't a secret he's planning on keeping from Lan Wangji, even. And they haven't properly talked about it so... ]
we should probably have that conversation in person
[ He's honestly surprised that he is the one to pick a more personal topic, considering how curious and nosy Wei Wuxian can be.... guess you'll never find out about a lot of things, friend! ]
[ Look, maybe he was scared of asking a question that got an answer he wasn't ready to hear. Yeah. Whatever. Sssshhh.
Either way, he'll hop off the tree he's lounging in the Vale and go seek out Lan Wangji in the Cloud Dwelling Gardens. He looks for him for a while, twirling his flute in his fingers as he does and when he spots him, he tucks the flute away against his belt and beelines over to him. ]
Lan Zhan~!
[ He'll approach and sit beside him wherever he's sitting, be it on the grass or a bench, Wei Wuxian will make himself comfortable at his side. ]
[ Aside from the times where people are doing something related to the truth or dare. Wei Wuxian surely knows how it is.
He offers one of his tiny, soft smiles, the ones reserved only for the man in front of him, as he waits for what will presumedly be the answer to his question.]
[ The smile softens Wei Wuxian and makes him a little bolder as well, feeling like he can actually talk about this a little more than he thought he could. He's nervous, of course, to explain his actions but he knows Lan Wangji will understand.
Because Lan Wangji understands what it's like to be buried under filial piety as well. ]
... We never talked about it, did we? The Lotus Pier massacre.
[ He offers a small shake of his head, because no they have never talked about it.
There was never an opportunity after the massacre, when his own home had also been reduced to ash. Not when there was war, and tensions between them were high. Not upon rebirth, when murders and devious acts needed solving. Not when they parted ways upon a mountainside. ]
[ Wei Wuxian nods and considers himself for a moment before opting to weave his arm within Lan Wangji's, taking his fingers in his own and leaning against his side. He drops his head to Lan Wangji's shoulder then, looking out across from them because that's a little easier than watching Lan Wangji's face while he talks about this. ]
The whole thing was... a mess. Scary. Horrible. Unpredictable. Most people know the story — Wang Lingjiao showed up. Picked a fight with us.
[ He debates going into the details then, of how he was blamed in particular because of what they did in the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter, of how Madam Yu whipped him in front of everyone to prove a point. But he thinks that would just derail this into a pity party for himself, wouldn't it? That isn't what this is about. ]
When things were going badly, Madam Yu sent Jiang Cheng and I away at the dock before returning to fight. The last words she said to me? "Protect Jiang Cheng."
[ He goes quiet for a moment before continuing. ]
We met Jiang Fengmian on the river, along with Jiang Yanli. When we told him what was happening at Lotus Pier, he trapped us on the both on the boat with Jiang Yanli and said his goodbyes to his kids. To me? He simply told me "Protect Jiang Cheng."
[ He hopes this is helping paint a picture of where exactly Wei Wuxian was at the end of that event. He's had enough time and distance to acknowledge that the debt he took on was a heavy one, and it hurt, but at the time there was nothing for him other than those three words — Protect Jiang Cheng. ]
[ His own actions a mirror to Wei Wuxian's as they so often are, Lan Wangji chooses to do the same, putting all of his focus into staring at the blooming flowers before them instead of at the man by his side.
He listens in silence, waits patiently as the explanation is offered to him, but the more that comes out the more he stills, posture becoming more rigid as his grip on the fingers interlaced with his own begins to tighten, gripping the warm hand in his as if it may dart away and be lost to him forever if he lets it go. ]
Such careless words should not have been spoken. Wei Ying's life is not worth less than that of a Jiang. You did not owe recompense.
[ It's probably been a while since Wei Wuxian heard this particular tone of voice, the one where Lan Wangji is pissed and the pronunciation of words have a particular cutting edge to them. Veiled anger, but not for Wei Ying. He understands perfectly, the words shared with Jiang Cheng in the temple about what was owed making so much sense.
He turns then until they are face to face, and he will stare Wei Wuxian down until he feels that his words have been sufficiently heard. ]
[ Wei Wuxian knew, on some level, that telling Lan Wangji the truth of it all would only sour his opinion more on the Jiangs and Jiang Cheng as well. But he was not going to keep it from him because of that. He knew this is a story that needed to be told and so, he would accept the consequences of telling it. It's when Lan Wangji speaks, his voice full of barely held back fury, that Wei Wuxian softens a little, leans into his touch.
No one is ever mad on Wei Wuxian's behalf. Mad at him, sure. Mad for him? Never. And when Lan Wangji shifts their positions to face him, to look him down and make sure he is heard, Wei Wuxian does not flinch from the stare. He looks back at him, eyes wide and expression open. He will hear what Lan Wangji has to say.
And there is a small smile, at the end of it. ]
I won't.
[ He really, really won't. Not this time. This life is his to hold and own and be selfish with and he has done so, so, so much for others that he is so, so, so tired. He wants to live long and be happy and not be indebted to others anymore. But that requires letting go of those past debts, of letting himself be okay with that.
No, even if it takes him years to cultivate a new golden core, the only person in this life he would sacrifice it or himself for is sitting right across from him. ]
When we escaped... Jiang Cheng snuck away, went back for his parent's bodies. He was caught in the process. [ Of course, he doesn't know the truth. That Jiang Cheng was captured on purpose to save Wei Wuxian. He can only tell the story as he knows it. ] So, I had to go save him. Wen Ning helped me smuggle him out of Lotus Pier and we went to Yiling, where his sister was at the time. It's there that we discovered the Core-Melting Hand had taken his core.
[ A sigh there. This is a painful memory, of course, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It's scabbed over with time. ]
[ With neither of them knowing the truth behind Jiang Cheng's capture, Lan Wangji can only simmer upon the information given: that he let emotion overwhelm him once again, that he did something reckless which not only endangered himself but more importantly, Wei Ying. ]
Foolish.
[Weigh the respect for parents and the desire to lay them to rest against infiltrating an encampment of Wen, possibly injured and at the very least exhausted, it is easy to see which side would win. Idiotic.
Wei Wuxian leans against him and Lan Wangji conforms to it, angling his body slightly to allow them to fit together with more ease and comfort, his body a sturdy pillar that can and will twist and bend to bear the presence of Wei Ying. As they stand there together he wonders— the question of why Wei Wuxian had offered up his core has been answered, the product of guilt thrust upon him, but he is yet to understand the why it came to be, or how. ]
...Jiang Wanyin was unaware. Of the transfer. How?
[ The physical touch of being able to lean against Lan Wangji, of having their fingers entwined and his weight against him, it helps Wei Wuxian feel a little bit more grounded as he tells this story. It would be so easy to feel overwhelmed again, to let the story dominate his emotions and ruin his day. Instead, he feels quiet, calm, as he relays the facts as he knows them.
So, now, the next part. The lie he told to make sure Jiang Cheng never knew the truth. ]
I lied to him. I told him I remembered where Baoshan Sanren lived, that my mother told me and it was one of the few memories I still had of her. He thought that of all people — Baoshan Sanren would know how to bring his core back. Of course, why wouldn't she? She's the revered immortal. But I had no clue where she actually was. Still don't.
But Wen Ning and Wen Qing, they helped me spin the lie. I led him through the mountains of Yiling until we reached a place to separate. Told him to blindfold himself, to tell her that he was actually me and he needed help after his golden core was crushed. He believed me. He was so desperate for it to be real that he didn't question anything I said, only followed my instructions.
He didn't have to be awake for the transfer, so Wen Qing pretended to be Baoshan Sanren and met him while he was traveling through the mountains, blindfolded. Let him to the top of the mountains and drugged him unconscious. That's when I met up with her and Wen Ning and we got to work.
When Jiang Cheng came to, it was days later and we relocated his body to somewhere safe. He had my core, and he had no memory of what happened. So, he fully believed it was Baoshan Sanren that fixed his core.
[ It's almost a relief, to be able to lay it all out like this. To just matter of fact spill his lie. It's... oddly cathartic. ]
And with that truth, clarity follows upon reminiscence of their conversations during the sunshot campaign and the discordance which arose. Lan Wangji had thought his advice valid, necessary, and he remembers the frustrations felt when Wei Ying would not listen, would not stop harming his core, would not return to Gusu to be cleansed.
Of course now he understands how self-serving the requests, the demands had been, but they must have seemed extra conceited when there was no core there to even damage. In the silence, his fingers clasp tighter to hold the hand within his own as Lan Wangji wonders just how much of Wei Wuxian's past rejection was due to his dislike of what was asked and how much was because he knew it ultimately pointless. How different would it have been, if he'd been worthy enough to let it be a secret shared? ]
That is why you renounced touch. Refused they playing of Clarity. Only let Wen Qing aid you in Yiling.
[ Yeah so maybe he held onto that smidgen of jealousy for a million years.. ]
[ At Lan Wangji's words, his own thoughts drift back to those days. The strife between the two of them, the distance. Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji. Anger towards each other that was so woefully misplaced. And then later — But I, Wei Ying, promise you I will never degenerate into demonic cultivation. A promise that could never be kept.
Wei Wuxian sighs and closes his eyes for a moment, before slowly nodding his head. ]
It was easier to be a pariah than have people know the truth. It's not as if I enjoyed it, of course, but I could take it. The rumors, the scorn, the insults. They were nothing if it meant that Jiang Cheng was safe and whole. That my sect could be rebuilt.
[ And then... and Wen Qing happened. Wen Ning. Seeing what was left of the Wens. Knowing his debt to them. Knowing he couldn't abandon them. So, no, he no longer had a clan after that. Then he was the Yiling Patriarch, he had a different family. ]
It was... easier, afterwards, in Yiling. Wen Qing and Wen Ning, they both knew the truth. I didn't have to hide. On the days it was bad — Wen Qing was able to help. If Clarity would have helped, I would have let you play it for me. But it wouldn't and then you would know and I was ... scared. To see your reaction to the truth.
[ Lan Wangji wishes he could say with confidence what his answer back then would have been. To stand by Wei Ying's side, to fight whoever oppressed him, sullied his name, pinned crimes upon him.
Yet he knows in reality, he cannot. He did not know the truth back then, but still he repressed the whims of his heart, and could not go against the wishes of clan until it was too late. The one regret that hung around his neck more than any other.
At Nightless City, I was not at your side. ]
Wei Ying.
[He calls, gaze firmly fixed upon the other man. Never again. He knows now, with great certainty, that no matter what it is he shall stand at Wei Wuxian's side. Even if unaware of the situation, he trusts the other man enough to know that following him would be the right thing to do. ]
In the future, if you encounter trouble. Worries. Share them with me. No matter what is perceived as right or wrong, I shall stand beside you.
[ At the sound of his name, he pulls his head back to look at Lan Wangji and it's after their gazes are locked that Lan Wangji says his piece. And it is... meaningful to hear it, even if he knew it already. Here he has confessed the details of his biggest secret and Lan Wangji's response is to recommit himself to Wei Wuxian's side, no matter what.
He is touched. ]
Okay. I will.
[ And then he smiles, wide and soft as he looks at Lan Wangji with such fondness. ]
Whatever is in my heart shall be known to you. I won't hide anything.
[ Except for one thing — which is his true feelings for Lan Wangji. But even he's not fully aware of that right now. ]
[ Except, you know, the giant secret about being completely in love with you for decades. But that one's been going on for so long it doesn't count... right? ]
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no subject
we should probably have that conversation in person
no subject
If you prefer.
no subject
Either way, he'll hop off the tree he's lounging in the Vale and go seek out Lan Wangji in the Cloud Dwelling Gardens. He looks for him for a while, twirling his flute in his fingers as he does and when he spots him, he tucks the flute away against his belt and beelines over to him. ]
Lan Zhan~!
[ He'll approach and sit beside him wherever he's sitting, be it on the grass or a bench, Wei Wuxian will make himself comfortable at his side. ]
So this is where you've been.
no subject
[ Aside from the times where people are doing something related to the truth or dare. Wei Wuxian surely knows how it is.
He offers one of his tiny, soft smiles, the ones reserved only for the man in front of him, as he waits for what will presumedly be the answer to his question.]
no subject
Because Lan Wangji understands what it's like to be buried under filial piety as well. ]
... We never talked about it, did we? The Lotus Pier massacre.
no subject
There was never an opportunity after the massacre, when his own home had also been reduced to ash. Not when there was war, and tensions between them were high. Not upon rebirth, when murders and devious acts needed solving. Not when they parted ways upon a mountainside. ]
no subject
The whole thing was... a mess. Scary. Horrible. Unpredictable. Most people know the story — Wang Lingjiao showed up. Picked a fight with us.
[ He debates going into the details then, of how he was blamed in particular because of what they did in the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter, of how Madam Yu whipped him in front of everyone to prove a point. But he thinks that would just derail this into a pity party for himself, wouldn't it? That isn't what this is about. ]
When things were going badly, Madam Yu sent Jiang Cheng and I away at the dock before returning to fight. The last words she said to me? "Protect Jiang Cheng."
[ He goes quiet for a moment before continuing. ]
We met Jiang Fengmian on the river, along with Jiang Yanli. When we told him what was happening at Lotus Pier, he trapped us on the both on the boat with Jiang Yanli and said his goodbyes to his kids. To me? He simply told me "Protect Jiang Cheng."
[ He hopes this is helping paint a picture of where exactly Wei Wuxian was at the end of that event. He's had enough time and distance to acknowledge that the debt he took on was a heavy one, and it hurt, but at the time there was nothing for him other than those three words — Protect Jiang Cheng. ]
no subject
He listens in silence, waits patiently as the explanation is offered to him, but the more that comes out the more he stills, posture becoming more rigid as his grip on the fingers interlaced with his own begins to tighten, gripping the warm hand in his as if it may dart away and be lost to him forever if he lets it go. ]
Such careless words should not have been spoken. Wei Ying's life is not worth less than that of a Jiang. You did not owe recompense.
[ It's probably been a while since Wei Wuxian heard this particular tone of voice, the one where Lan Wangji is pissed and the pronunciation of words have a particular cutting edge to them. Veiled anger, but not for Wei Ying. He understands perfectly, the words shared with Jiang Cheng in the temple about what was owed making so much sense.
He turns then until they are face to face, and he will stare Wei Wuxian down until he feels that his words have been sufficiently heard. ]
In this life, do not forfeit it for others.
no subject
No one is ever mad on Wei Wuxian's behalf. Mad at him, sure. Mad for him? Never. And when Lan Wangji shifts their positions to face him, to look him down and make sure he is heard, Wei Wuxian does not flinch from the stare. He looks back at him, eyes wide and expression open. He will hear what Lan Wangji has to say.
And there is a small smile, at the end of it. ]
I won't.
[ He really, really won't. Not this time. This life is his to hold and own and be selfish with and he has done so, so, so much for others that he is so, so, so tired. He wants to live long and be happy and not be indebted to others anymore. But that requires letting go of those past debts, of letting himself be okay with that.
No, even if it takes him years to cultivate a new golden core, the only person in this life he would sacrifice it or himself for is sitting right across from him. ]
When we escaped... Jiang Cheng snuck away, went back for his parent's bodies. He was caught in the process. [ Of course, he doesn't know the truth. That Jiang Cheng was captured on purpose to save Wei Wuxian. He can only tell the story as he knows it. ] So, I had to go save him. Wen Ning helped me smuggle him out of Lotus Pier and we went to Yiling, where his sister was at the time. It's there that we discovered the Core-Melting Hand had taken his core.
[ A sigh there. This is a painful memory, of course, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It's scabbed over with time. ]
no subject
Foolish.
[Weigh the respect for parents and the desire to lay them to rest against infiltrating an encampment of Wen, possibly injured and at the very least exhausted, it is easy to see which side would win. Idiotic.
Wei Wuxian leans against him and Lan Wangji conforms to it, angling his body slightly to allow them to fit together with more ease and comfort, his body a sturdy pillar that can and will twist and bend to bear the presence of Wei Ying. As they stand there together he wonders— the question of why Wei Wuxian had offered up his core has been answered, the product of guilt thrust upon him, but he is yet to understand the why it came to be, or how. ]
...Jiang Wanyin was unaware. Of the transfer. How?
no subject
So, now, the next part. The lie he told to make sure Jiang Cheng never knew the truth. ]
I lied to him. I told him I remembered where Baoshan Sanren lived, that my mother told me and it was one of the few memories I still had of her. He thought that of all people — Baoshan Sanren would know how to bring his core back. Of course, why wouldn't she? She's the revered immortal. But I had no clue where she actually was. Still don't.
But Wen Ning and Wen Qing, they helped me spin the lie. I led him through the mountains of Yiling until we reached a place to separate. Told him to blindfold himself, to tell her that he was actually me and he needed help after his golden core was crushed. He believed me. He was so desperate for it to be real that he didn't question anything I said, only followed my instructions.
He didn't have to be awake for the transfer, so Wen Qing pretended to be Baoshan Sanren and met him while he was traveling through the mountains, blindfolded. Let him to the top of the mountains and drugged him unconscious. That's when I met up with her and Wen Ning and we got to work.
When Jiang Cheng came to, it was days later and we relocated his body to somewhere safe. He had my core, and he had no memory of what happened. So, he fully believed it was Baoshan Sanren that fixed his core.
[ It's almost a relief, to be able to lay it all out like this. To just matter of fact spill his lie. It's... oddly cathartic. ]
no subject
And with that truth, clarity follows upon reminiscence of their conversations during the sunshot campaign and the discordance which arose. Lan Wangji had thought his advice valid, necessary, and he remembers the frustrations felt when Wei Ying would not listen, would not stop harming his core, would not return to Gusu to be cleansed.
Of course now he understands how self-serving the requests, the demands had been, but they must have seemed extra conceited when there was no core there to even damage. In the silence, his fingers clasp tighter to hold the hand within his own as Lan Wangji wonders just how much of Wei Wuxian's past rejection was due to his dislike of what was asked and how much was because he knew it ultimately pointless. How different would it have been, if he'd been worthy enough to let it be a secret shared? ]
That is why you renounced touch. Refused they playing of Clarity. Only let Wen Qing aid you in Yiling.
[ Yeah so maybe he held onto that smidgen of jealousy for a million years.. ]
no subject
Wei Wuxian sighs and closes his eyes for a moment, before slowly nodding his head. ]
It was easier to be a pariah than have people know the truth. It's not as if I enjoyed it, of course, but I could take it. The rumors, the scorn, the insults. They were nothing if it meant that Jiang Cheng was safe and whole. That my sect could be rebuilt.
[ And then... and Wen Qing happened. Wen Ning. Seeing what was left of the Wens. Knowing his debt to them. Knowing he couldn't abandon them. So, no, he no longer had a clan after that. Then he was the Yiling Patriarch, he had a different family. ]
It was... easier, afterwards, in Yiling. Wen Qing and Wen Ning, they both knew the truth. I didn't have to hide. On the days it was bad — Wen Qing was able to help. If Clarity would have helped, I would have let you play it for me. But it wouldn't and then you would know and I was ... scared. To see your reaction to the truth.
no subject
Yet he knows in reality, he cannot. He did not know the truth back then, but still he repressed the whims of his heart, and could not go against the wishes of clan until it was too late. The one regret that hung around his neck more than any other.
At Nightless City, I was not at your side. ]
Wei Ying.
[He calls, gaze firmly fixed upon the other man. Never again. He knows now, with great certainty, that no matter what it is he shall stand at Wei Wuxian's side. Even if unaware of the situation, he trusts the other man enough to know that following him would be the right thing to do. ]
In the future, if you encounter trouble. Worries. Share them with me. No matter what is perceived as right or wrong, I shall stand beside you.
no subject
He is touched. ]
Okay. I will.
[ And then he smiles, wide and soft as he looks at Lan Wangji with such fondness. ]
Whatever is in my heart shall be known to you. I won't hide anything.
[ Except for one thing — which is his true feelings for Lan Wangji. But even he's not fully aware of that right now. ]
no subject
I too, shall not keep secrets from you.
[ Except, you know, the giant secret about being completely in love with you for decades. But that one's been going on for so long it doesn't count... right? ]