[ golden peacock inbox ]

[suibian]

@wwx

▶ TEXT

▶ AUDIO

▶ VIDEO

▶ ACTION

Comments

ishmael / afterdark overflow / cw: suicide

[suibian]

( prev )

now that's a big one! would you believe me if i said it was suicide?

cw: suicide

[wheft]

[ ...ah. ]

Why, did you lose hope in the world or something?

cw: suicide

[suibian]

i did. i didn't want to be alive anymore and so, i jumped off a cliff. i expected that to be the end of it.

[wheft]

And yet, you were brought back.

Was it someone you knew?

[suibian]

nope. some guy who wanted me to kill his whole family for him in revenge. he just knew me by reputation so sacrificed his body for me to take it over and kill them

[wheft]

[ a long beat. ]

...Seriously? Why go through all the trouble? Why not kill them all by himself?

[suibian]

i think he was a little crazy. definitely wanted to die but wanted to take down his family at the same time. so it was kind of like summoning a demon and sacrificing yourself in the process

uhhhh not that i'm a demon or anything! just an example. wait that sounds even more fake, i really am not a demon, i'm completely human

[wheft]

No, it's fine. You're probably demonic in other ways, lmao.

Still crazy, though. He could've just let you rest in peace instead of involving you in his own business.

[suibian]

wow!! such faith!!

[ SWEATS......... ]

but i agree! i mean i'm way more stable than i was when i died so i'm enjoying my second chance but still, kind of ridiculous!

[wheft]

Yeah. If he didn't bring you back to life, you wouldn't be here.

[ ... ]

Would you say you've found your purpose in your second chance in life?

[suibian]

[ oh, now that's a hard hitting question. he considers it, thinks about where he is now, thinks about lan wangji and lan sizhui and wen ning, thinks about how content he feels now compared to how he used to feel. ]

i wouldn't say i know what my "purpose" is or if i even have one, but i do believe my life is worthwhile now in a way it wasn't before. if only because of the relationships that i have with those closest to me

i've made a new life, found a new home, a new family, and they make me feel like i have purpose

[wheft]

[ ...that answer makes her smile. ]

I see. That's good.

Because I feel the same way, too.

[suibian]

you found the people who make you feel like you have purpose again too, huh? want to tell me about them?

[wheft]

[ ... ]

There's my manager, for one. They may be new and experienced, but they've proven themselves to be an effective compass to help guide me on where I need to go in life.

[suibian]

there's nothing as good as having a great leader to follow. there's a comfort in that, i can understand why they mean a lot to you

[wheft]

Yeah. It just... took me a long while to realize that. I don't trust easy, as you can probably tell.

[suibian]

with good reason, i imagine. nothing to be ashamed of. they're probably happy to have become someone that important to you, even if it took some time. they're still back home, i take it?

[wheft]

Yeah. And that's for the best, honestly. I don't want anyone else from my world to be subjected to this kind of hedonism, thank you very much.

[suibian]

i understand how you feel. there are people from my home i'd be very upset to see here